Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Another Day In The Closet...

Wow, I’m so excited about another Cleaning Out The Closet Wednesday over at FTLOB’s! If you all recall, last Wednesday I really went in and pulled out a lot of old baggage the needed to be removed. This Wednesday I think I’m going to stay on the surface and just take a look at what needs immediate attention.

So if you've been reading, last week was really rough but I’m getting over all that inner drama that I caused and have regrouped and centered myself. I know I have a lot of personal issues I need to sort out which is another reason why I LOVE Wednesday’s theme!  I think today I want to focus on things that have recently taken place in my life, the struggle I’m having with myself and fully understanding why I’m here. 

My entire life, I’ve always believed that God has a purpose for every person and that everything means something, that there really are no coincidences and that in due time the meaning of everything will be revealed, so that being said; recently I took a hard look at my life and at almost 30 years old I felt like such a failure. I could not think of anyone whose life I had impacted in a positive way, I have no children, and I really think my job is meaningless I mean I'm a Coordinator! As a child I always wanted to be able to help others and to be honest my job just does not afford me this opportunity and really I feel like I'm worth so much more than this. Besides being married, I have not accomplished any big feats in life. So imagine if you will, for your entire life being under the belief  that you are special in God’s eyes and that He put you here for a special purpose and then basically getting a slap in the face by realizing that almost 30 years in, He still hasn’t used you to do anything worthwhile!! Maybe He passed me over for someone better! Yeah those thoughts really hurt to think about!  

So anyway,  I really let this bother me and it completely rattled my soul. I started wondering all sorts of crazy things, like what I had done to God, or if He could even hear me, and  had He finally given up on me? All these questions ran through my mind…Then after taking a personal hiatus, I realized it was me, I had faltered in my Faith and trust in Him, I thought I had faith but then I would show doubt by having a plan B "just in case", what a contradiction! I had gone my own way instead of His.


So while I took my personal stay-cation, I was able to realize, it's not so bad, I’m still young and trying to figure this life thing out so maybe God is just waiting for me to get a better grip on my life and then He will give me my special job… 

So today, what I’m cleaning out of my closet is the fact that I feel so guilty for getting mad at God, for blaming and questioning Him instead of looking at my own actions and thoughts.  
It hurts me more to I think I’ve damaged my relationship with God then to believe that I've done the same with any person on earth. People come and go but God will always be there… 







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